How to Write a Funny Last Will and Testament

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My mind works in mysterious ways. I got to thinking, what happens if I die, I’m going to need a will. Normally I wouldn’t be thinking about dying, but, I was eating a chicken bone for dinner, and it went down the wrong pipe. Actually, I didn’t know we had pipes but, that’s what everybody says when they start coughing, turning red, and praying like crazy hoping that there is a God.

Where was I now, oh yeah, choking. So here I am choking, and finally, after praying to every deity I could think of, (Is Holy Cow a deity), I stopped. The thing is, my mind saw my life flashing in front of me and I thought, hey, I need a will.
Not having the money to retain an attorney, or ask for Perry Mason, (I think he’s retired), I decided to write one myself. The next day I was off from work, I humped my little old self down to Office Max and obtained the necessary pre-typed form. They are really pretty easy for anyone to fill out, if you’ve completed at least the 34th Grade in school.

So there I sit, filling in the blanks…I, (insert name, preferably your real name), being of sound mind and body, bla bla bla, do hereby testify that this is my last will and testament. Then I got to giggling because, this is my last will and testament, I mean how many will and testaments do they think I have anyway?

Well, at that point, I was in total giggle mode so I thought I would have some fun. I bequeath, (why can’t they just say give), to my daughter, everything I own, except my collection of Playgirls which goes to my horny sister. To my Aunt Edna, I give zippity doo dah, that’s what you get for always pinching my cheek when I was a kid. To my Uncle Ralph, I leave my condom collection, use it in good health.

You get the idea here; it just went on and on. I got a good laugh out of though. After I re-read it, I had to delete everything and start all over again. Hey, it was worth it, and the best part, it didn’t cost me a dime except to file it. I highly recommend you try it. Talk to you all later.

 

 

 

My Computer and Me–HELP

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If I were to ask you how much time during the day do you spend on either computers, IPads, Smart Phones, Dumb Phones, ( with smart technology of course), or other computer type products, what would your answer be?

Let’s see; 8 Billion people in the world, divided by the number of countries who have no cell towers or can’t afford satellites, minus the folks who just don’t give a damn, plus the techies in the world, that equals about—- a Lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My answer would have been better had I rounded it up to the nearest who gives a dam, but I figured for the Government of “Holy Gobblesmack”, I was close enough. Now, with everyone using this technology, how many of them are what you would call really (that’s the technical name), computer literate?

Of course by computer literate, I am talking about those of us who are technically able to do such things as, but not limited to:

• Turning the computer on and off
• Maybe adjusting the intensity
• Saving what we write so we don’t lose our entire blog by screwing up (Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
• Yelling at it when it locks
• Knowing where to take it when it breaks

If you are able to accomplish these technological tasks, Congratulations, you are like most of us. Now, if you are able to do the advanced things, like the members of NASA, or the NSA, such as:

• Set margins
• Insert pictures into blogs along with music
• Put the computer to sleep, (oops, sorry, I meant in sleep mode)
• Wake it up without being cranky
• Actually find deleted documents or…
• Print in 3D or Technicolor ( OK, I just made that up)

Then, you are what I would consider a computer genius and I will be coming to you for help. I’m so un-computer knowledgeable, I’m still getting, “Did You Mean Bla, Bla, Bla” when I ask for something in the search column. I guess it just takes a while huh? Practice makes perfect I guess, well, back to the drawing board.

 

 

 

Green Beer, Green Eggs and Ham, and Green…..

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Let’s be honest, for those of us who are “celebrating” St. Patty’s day with a little revelry, lots of green stuff is going to be making its way into our stomachs. I’m not what you would call a big drinker, so it doesn’t take that many green beers to get me happy as a pig in mud.

As I type this, I am already as happy as a pig in mud. My daughter is staying with a friend tonight, so, I thought I would go out and celebrate the holiday. Sure, the actual holiday is in Ireland but I didn’t have the $ to go there. So, I did the next best thing, I drank some green beer, sang some Irish songs, and I became 100 % Irish. Hell, I even thought at one point I saw St. Patty himself.

My point here, I think, is that on St. Patty’s day, everyone is Irish. Many of us, me included, seem to somehow overdo it just a weeeeeeeeeeee bit, and then we pay the consequences. We start getting LOUD, we act like total drunken Irishmen, and sometimes, we do things we shouldn’t.

Luckily, I am home now so there isn’t much chance of that, but, I will continue to party on Garth, and then probably fall asleep watching Brigadoon. “Why you ask”, well, because I don’t do it that often and I can. Will I be hung over tomorrow at work, yup, but I figure a couple of times a year won’t kill any of us.

So, here’s what I propose, raise a glass of green Killian’s, a pint of stout, or a Guinness, let’s give a drunken cheer and toast St. Patty, as tomorrow and all the woes that come with it will be here soon enough.

 Happy St. Patty’s Day.

Want More Sex in Your Life, Do This

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How many of you out there reading this would like to have more sex? Hmmm, I heard a lot of guys and women go, “Hell yeah!” The sad truth of it is, today, more than 50% of the population is having sex less than 10 times a year. Of course, those countries such as China and India are trying to make up for the others but as yet haven’t succeeded.

It’s true, sex has been put on the farthest burner there is, the main reason, time. Our world today is no longer the simple hard working life like our ancestors had; today it’s work all day, take the kids to hockey, dance, football, recitals, then make dinner, wash the dishes, get the kids to bed etc. etc. etc. Let’s face it, we’re pooped!!!!!!!!!!!

By the time we get into bed, the only thing we want to do is collapse. So how can we correct this? Well, I’m glad you asked, otherwise I wouldn’t have a post for today. The answer lies within three key elements:

  1. 1.      Make time

 

  1. 2.      Healthy eating

 

3    Re-create that spark you once had

 

 Making time–I realize that the first one, is a tough one, but, believe me, it is well worth it. If this means you have to schedule your love time for the morning, lunchtime, or the weekends, then so be it. You will find that by planning your love making, you will have something to look forward to and you shouldn’t be as tired.

Healthy eating–This is a problem many of us have. Did you know that each extra 10 lbs. we gain actually slows down out metabolism and makes us logy? Obviously, the more over weight we are, the more inclined we will be to handle the remote as opposed to other things. Try and eat healthy, lose some weight if you need to and you will be surprised at how much more energy you’ll have.

Re-create that spark—The longer we are together, the more stale and uninteresting our love lives become. Re-light that flame again, send notes in your significant other’s lunch, have a regular date night with dinner and a movie or dancing, sext each other, (always was my favorite), and last but not least, talk to each other.

If you do these things, you will find that you will be having more sex than rabbits during heat. Now, start and live happily forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five Words That Will Make Your Man Listen

 


Women, believe it or not, your man isn’t listening to everything you say. I know you started smiling as you were reading this because we all know that men have selected hearing. Now to all of you guys that may be reading this, I’m not dissing you, it’s just the way it is.

It’s true, as women, we like to talk a lot and we also do a great job at listening, it’s in our DNA make up. Men are more single focused creatures and science proves it.  Now, that is not to say that men don’t hear us, they do, they just don’t always pay attention to each and every word we say. It’s a guy thing.

  • I’m here today to give you ladies a little advice on how to have your counter parts become more word focused friendly. Here is what you do. Guys have certain things that they will pay attention to, these include:

 

  •  Sex
  • Sports
  • Alcoholic beverages
  • Their vanity
  • Food

Anytime one of these items in a phrase, you can rest assure that he will pay completely attention. For example:

  1. 1.     “Let’s go out dancing, there will be alcohol there.
  1. 2.     “I hear the show tonight at the art gallery is serving food.
  1. 3.     “If you play your cards right, there will be sex in your future after the Ballet.
  1. 4.     “Baby, will you clean the kitchen tonight, you can watch football afterwards.
  1. 5.      “I love how great you look in your suit; do you think I look fat in this new dress?

 

OK, that last one will actually never be answered because if he is smart, he knows there is really no right answer here. These can be applied to anything your little heart desires though, just make sure that if you promise something, you deliver the goods. I hope this helps you. Good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       

Dandruff and You

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I read a post earlier where the writer talks about dandruff and I said, “Hey, this might be a funny topic to write about.” I don’t claim to be a humorist, but, every once in a while I see something that I think is funny, and try to develop it into a humorous article. Below is my attempt.

Are you one of the 50% of people in the world suffering from the worst disease known to man? Of course I’m talking about dandruff, one of the cruelest diseases ever to afflict the Human Species. If you answered yes to this, then you my friend are one of the 50% of people who aren’t lying. The other half does have it, they’re just keeping their yaps shut in the hopes no one notices.

So what is this disease that is worse than scaly armpits? How do we get it, why do we get it, and most importantly, how the Hell do we get rid of it? Lucky for you folks, Dr. Jen, (Not really but I do like the sound of it), has all the answers.

Blizzarding of the scalp, (dandruff), occurs when several thousand irritated skin cells get together and decide to clump together. Once neatly clumped, they create many annoying things. These include dry scalp, redness, itching strong enough to create nuclear fusion, and of course snow falling from your head creating very small ski resorts for ants.

Is there a cure you ask? Luckily there is. Usually about now, a Head and Shoulders commercial would automatically appear out of nowhere promising that if you use their product, you will never have dandruff again. I am here to tell you that is not true. The only sure fire way to get rid of dandruff forever is as follows:

  • Take a flame thrower (purchased at Wal-Mart for 39.99), light, and remove all hair.
  • Have paramedics standing by to put out remaining flames
  • Rub head with copious amounts of Vaseline
  • Wait for the scars to heal
  • Wear wigs for life

By doing the above things you will ensure healthy and care free hair for the rest of your life. If you have any further questions, please address them to my attorney as I am not allowed to answer any further questions. Thank you.